Top Secret (Quotes)
Originally aired on March 27, 2007.
House: And you call the uncle back. Find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
Cameron: No. Not until you give me a reason.
House: Because I'm your boss?
House: And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in and whether he's ever been on TV.
Cameron: TV?
House: The problem could be neurological - everyone knows TV rots your brain.
Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
House: The guy in the Village People.
Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy." The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues.
(House looks at him).
Wilson: What? You brought it up!
House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear or any other orifice for that matter and, under the right circumstances, I could bring two women into simultaneous ecstasy.
Wilson: The right circumstance being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
Cuddy: You're supposed to be on clinic duty.
House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.
Cuddy: Did you just take two Vicodin?
House: No, it’s an anti-depressant. I was told to take two every time you walked in the door.
Foreman: Why'd you take this case?
House: Because a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions.
Cameron: Cuddy's making him.
House: Now, I'm making you.
Cuddy: That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it.
House: If you’re still referring to your a**, I think "that supertanker sailed" would be a more precise metaphor.
Cuddy: How is he?
House: He's dead.
Cuddy: Oh God.
House: At least he will be in a few days.
House: There is no medicine like happiness. Except maybe laughter. Or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra.
Wilson: You cathed yourself?
House: It wasn’t so bad after the first... I don't know - nine or ten inches. Cath relieved the spasm. I'm as good as new.
Wilson: Of course, just a minor spasm in a muscle you've been using multiple times a day without any problem for the past 45 years. Not a major side effect caused by the overuse of a particular narcotic painkiller.
House: Yeah, that was my thought, too.
Wilson: So, no reason to think about cutting back on your use of that particular pill.
House: Thank God. Actually it was a triple dose of the good stuff that allowed me to finally get some sleep and solve the case. The pills made all my dreams come true.
House: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
Cuddy: I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
House: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face - you were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Cuddy: I was not.
Foreman: House'll do Wilson before you do Chase.
Cameron: No. You will do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Chase: She did me once.
Foreman: She was stoned!
House: I’ve got a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it.
Cameron: Were we walking you to the bathroom?
House: I wish. Wilson was just in there - these guys know what I’m talking about.
Cuddy: Get over me.
House: Give me a break. You hired me.
Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.
Cameron: Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case?
House: Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say.
House: And you call the uncle back. Find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
Cameron: No. Not until you give me a reason.
House: Because I'm your boss?
House: And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in and whether he's ever been on TV.
Cameron: TV?
House: The problem could be neurological - everyone knows TV rots your brain.
Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
House: The guy in the Village People.
Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy." The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues.
(House looks at him).
Wilson: What? You brought it up!
House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear or any other orifice for that matter and, under the right circumstances, I could bring two women into simultaneous ecstasy.
Wilson: The right circumstance being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
Cuddy: You're supposed to be on clinic duty.
House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.
Cuddy: Did you just take two Vicodin?
House: No, it’s an anti-depressant. I was told to take two every time you walked in the door.
Foreman: Why'd you take this case?
House: Because a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions.
Cameron: Cuddy's making him.
House: Now, I'm making you.
Cuddy: That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it.
House: If you’re still referring to your a**, I think "that supertanker sailed" would be a more precise metaphor.
Cuddy: How is he?
House: He's dead.
Cuddy: Oh God.
House: At least he will be in a few days.
House: There is no medicine like happiness. Except maybe laughter. Or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra.
Wilson: You cathed yourself?
House: It wasn’t so bad after the first... I don't know - nine or ten inches. Cath relieved the spasm. I'm as good as new.
Wilson: Of course, just a minor spasm in a muscle you've been using multiple times a day without any problem for the past 45 years. Not a major side effect caused by the overuse of a particular narcotic painkiller.
House: Yeah, that was my thought, too.
Wilson: So, no reason to think about cutting back on your use of that particular pill.
House: Thank God. Actually it was a triple dose of the good stuff that allowed me to finally get some sleep and solve the case. The pills made all my dreams come true.
House: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
Cuddy: I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
House: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face - you were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Cuddy: I was not.
Foreman: House'll do Wilson before you do Chase.
Cameron: No. You will do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Chase: She did me once.
Foreman: She was stoned!
House: I’ve got a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it.
Cameron: Were we walking you to the bathroom?
House: I wish. Wilson was just in there - these guys know what I’m talking about.
Cuddy: Get over me.
House: Give me a break. You hired me.
Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.
Cameron: Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case?
House: Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say.
