The Jerk (Quotes)
Originally aired on May 15, 2007.
House: And I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the threat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game.
Nate: I know. I was bluffing. And that's why you lost.
House: Bird's Opening. Passive approach. Sign of a coward.
Nate: Sicilian Defense. Sign of an idiot.
House: Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours.
Nate: I can walk.
House: I don't bleed out of my penis.
Chase: He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller syndrome.
Cameron: But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.
House: Yes, those are the two options. It is or it isn't.
Nate: So, you want me to explain how you just lost or do you want to stare at the board your full three minutes - clinging to hope?
House: (Speaking to Cuddy). You are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.
Cameron: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?
House: (Takes an odd step). Sorry, just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be shot down.
House: I like this kid.
Chase: You haven't met him.
House: I know you don’t like him. What else do I need to know?
Chase: And it's Tuesday.
Cameron: I know.
Chase: I like you.
Cameron: I know. See you next Tuesday.
Nate: Age before cripple. I'm white.
Foreman: Nate went medieval on the other kid. Could be-
House: Hold on! I'm having a moment. This... this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting an adrenal gland tumor.
House: Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I ask or just do what I asked.
House: Oh, almost forgot. I need to give a 16 year old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?
Cuddy: (Sarcastically). No problem.
(House leaves her and she chases after him).
Cuddy: I was being sarcastic.
House: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.
Cuddy: (Speaking to Foreman). I'll double your salary.
Foreman: Chase and Cameron would mutiny if they found out.
Cuddy: Chase and Cameron wouldn't be heading up their own diagnostic group. You'll work in parallel with House. It'll be your practice. Separate staff, separate cases. Complete autonomy.
Foreman: I've only been doing this for three years.
Cuddy: Three years under House. No better training.
Foreman: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out? You know who I'd have to go to.
Cuddy: Or you can just let that patient die. That's completely up to you.
House: Kid's not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.
House: (Speaking to Cameron). If you want to curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles.
Nate: Hey, Dr. X, I know you've busted a** trying to save me.
Foreman: It's all right.
Nate: I wasn't going to thank you. I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.
Foreman: We’re doing our best.
Nate: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview.
Wilson: Why would I-
Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House, which means it has to be someone who actually likes House, which means it's either you or the weird, night janitor who wears his pants backwards.
Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him and I enable him. House needs limits.
Cuddy: I give him limits.
Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms.
Nate: So, do people watch what they say around you?
Foreman: Because I'm black?
Nate: No, because you're gay.
Nate: Who are you?
House: Dr. McCaney.
Chase: You sabotaged Foreman's job interview. Didn't you?
House: Foreman already went over this. It wasn't me.
Chase: Everybody's chasing ghosts over this, which means either nobody did or someone wants everybody chasing ghosts and who does that sound like?
House: Why would I do that?
Chase: Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he'd been useless around here.
House: Sometimes I forget why I hired you.
Chase: Does your head hurt?
Nate: Are you an idiot?
Nate's Mom: Nate!
Nate: I'm clenching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. (Speaking to Chase). What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.
House: And I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the threat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game.
Nate: I know. I was bluffing. And that's why you lost.
House: Bird's Opening. Passive approach. Sign of a coward.
Nate: Sicilian Defense. Sign of an idiot.
House: Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours.
Nate: I can walk.
House: I don't bleed out of my penis.
Chase: He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller syndrome.
Cameron: But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.
House: Yes, those are the two options. It is or it isn't.
Nate: So, you want me to explain how you just lost or do you want to stare at the board your full three minutes - clinging to hope?
House: (Speaking to Cuddy). You are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.
Cameron: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?
House: (Takes an odd step). Sorry, just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be shot down.
House: I like this kid.
Chase: You haven't met him.
House: I know you don’t like him. What else do I need to know?
Chase: And it's Tuesday.
Cameron: I know.
Chase: I like you.
Cameron: I know. See you next Tuesday.
Nate: Age before cripple. I'm white.
Foreman: Nate went medieval on the other kid. Could be-
House: Hold on! I'm having a moment. This... this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting an adrenal gland tumor.
House: Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I ask or just do what I asked.
House: Oh, almost forgot. I need to give a 16 year old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?
Cuddy: (Sarcastically). No problem.
(House leaves her and she chases after him).
Cuddy: I was being sarcastic.
House: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.
Cuddy: (Speaking to Foreman). I'll double your salary.
Foreman: Chase and Cameron would mutiny if they found out.
Cuddy: Chase and Cameron wouldn't be heading up their own diagnostic group. You'll work in parallel with House. It'll be your practice. Separate staff, separate cases. Complete autonomy.
Foreman: I've only been doing this for three years.
Cuddy: Three years under House. No better training.
Foreman: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out? You know who I'd have to go to.
Cuddy: Or you can just let that patient die. That's completely up to you.
House: Kid's not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.
House: (Speaking to Cameron). If you want to curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles.
Nate: Hey, Dr. X, I know you've busted a** trying to save me.
Foreman: It's all right.
Nate: I wasn't going to thank you. I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.
Foreman: We’re doing our best.
Nate: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview.
Wilson: Why would I-
Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House, which means it has to be someone who actually likes House, which means it's either you or the weird, night janitor who wears his pants backwards.
Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him and I enable him. House needs limits.
Cuddy: I give him limits.
Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms.
Nate: So, do people watch what they say around you?
Foreman: Because I'm black?
Nate: No, because you're gay.
Nate: Who are you?
House: Dr. McCaney.
Chase: You sabotaged Foreman's job interview. Didn't you?
House: Foreman already went over this. It wasn't me.
Chase: Everybody's chasing ghosts over this, which means either nobody did or someone wants everybody chasing ghosts and who does that sound like?
House: Why would I do that?
Chase: Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he'd been useless around here.
House: Sometimes I forget why I hired you.
Chase: Does your head hurt?
Nate: Are you an idiot?
Nate's Mom: Nate!
Nate: I'm clenching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. (Speaking to Chase). What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.
