Occam's Razor (Quotes)
Originally aired on November 30, 2004.
House: Why do you want me to treat this guy?
Wilson: Blood pressure's not responding to IV fluid...
House: No, no. I didn't ask how you planned to con me into treating him. I asked you why you want me to treat him.
Wilson: He's sick, I care, I'm pathetic.
House: There are about a billion sick people on the planet, why this one?
Wilson: Because this one's in our emergency room.
House: Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If somebody was sick in the third floor stairwell that's who we would be talking about.
Wilson: Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear.
House: What's wrong with her?
Cameron: Him.
House: Him, her. Does it matter? Does anyone think it's a testicular problem?
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home...
Cuddy: (Looks at his leg). No, you couldn't.
House: Nice...
House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? (Everyone stares). And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? (Everyone raises their hand). Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Jodi Matthews: You're not a very nice doctor, are you?
House: And you are very bad at whatever it is you do.
Foreman: Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
House: And you think one is simpler then two?
Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
House: I think your tie is ugly.
Chase: [Cameron's] weird, isn't she?
Foreman: Bad idea.
Chase: What?
Foreman: Bad idea. You work with her.
Chase: What'd I say? Is "weird" some new ghetto euphemism for "sexy"? Like "bad" is "good and "phat" is "good?" Then what the hell does "good" mean?
Foreman: "Ghetto euphemism?" You don't think she's hot?
Chase: No.
Foreman: Then you are brilliant. And I am using "brilliant" as a euphemism.
Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
House: If I'd said to Foreman, "Nice try, it was a great guess, but sorry, not this time," what do you think he'd be doing right now?
Wilson: I think he'd be going home not feeling like a piece of crap.
House: Exactly.
Wilson: You want him to feel like a piece of crap?
House: No - I don't want him going home.
Foreman: You want to bet on the patient's health?
House: You think that's bad luck? You think that God will smite him because of our insensitivity? Look, if God does, you make a quick fifty.
Cuddy: Working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care?
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
Cuddy: (To House). It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.
House: What would you want - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
House: Okay, let's leave it a couple of weeks - he should be feeling better by then. Oh wait - which way does time go?
House: Make a note: I should never doubt myself.
Wilson: I think you'll remember. It wouldn't hurt for you to be wrong now and again.
House: What? You don't care about these people?
Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. Not going to happen.
House: Why do you want me to treat this guy?
Wilson: Blood pressure's not responding to IV fluid...
House: No, no. I didn't ask how you planned to con me into treating him. I asked you why you want me to treat him.
Wilson: He's sick, I care, I'm pathetic.
House: There are about a billion sick people on the planet, why this one?
Wilson: Because this one's in our emergency room.
House: Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If somebody was sick in the third floor stairwell that's who we would be talking about.
Wilson: Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear.
House: What's wrong with her?
Cameron: Him.
House: Him, her. Does it matter? Does anyone think it's a testicular problem?
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home...
Cuddy: (Looks at his leg). No, you couldn't.
House: Nice...
House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? (Everyone stares). And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? (Everyone raises their hand). Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Jodi Matthews: You're not a very nice doctor, are you?
House: And you are very bad at whatever it is you do.
Foreman: Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
House: And you think one is simpler then two?
Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
House: I think your tie is ugly.
Chase: [Cameron's] weird, isn't she?
Foreman: Bad idea.
Chase: What?
Foreman: Bad idea. You work with her.
Chase: What'd I say? Is "weird" some new ghetto euphemism for "sexy"? Like "bad" is "good and "phat" is "good?" Then what the hell does "good" mean?
Foreman: "Ghetto euphemism?" You don't think she's hot?
Chase: No.
Foreman: Then you are brilliant. And I am using "brilliant" as a euphemism.
Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
House: If I'd said to Foreman, "Nice try, it was a great guess, but sorry, not this time," what do you think he'd be doing right now?
Wilson: I think he'd be going home not feeling like a piece of crap.
House: Exactly.
Wilson: You want him to feel like a piece of crap?
House: No - I don't want him going home.
Foreman: You want to bet on the patient's health?
House: You think that's bad luck? You think that God will smite him because of our insensitivity? Look, if God does, you make a quick fifty.
Cuddy: Working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care?
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
Cuddy: (To House). It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.
House: What would you want - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
House: Okay, let's leave it a couple of weeks - he should be feeling better by then. Oh wait - which way does time go?
House: Make a note: I should never doubt myself.
Wilson: I think you'll remember. It wouldn't hurt for you to be wrong now and again.
House: What? You don't care about these people?
Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. Not going to happen.
