Casting Society of America

Artios Award: Best Dramatic Episodic Casting
House
Amy Lippens
Lost

Director's Guild of America Awards

Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Dramatic Series, Night
House (Three Stories)
Paris Barclay
Lost

Emmy Awards

Outstanding Art Direction For A Single-Camera Series
House (Autopsy, Distractions and Skin Deep)
Derek R. Hill, Production Designer
Danielle Berman, Set Decorator
Lost

Outstanding Casting For A Drama Series
Amy Lippens, C.S.A.
Stephanie Laffin
Lost

Outstanding Drama Series
House
Paul Attanasio, Executive Producer
Katie Jacobs, Executive Producer
David Shore, Executive Producer
Bryan Singer, Executive Producer
Thomas L. Moran, Co-Executive Producer
Russel Friend, Co-Executive Producer
Garrett Lerner, Co-Executive Producer
Doris Egan, Co-Executive Producer
David Semel, Co-Executive Producer
Matt Witten, Supervising Producer
Gerrit van der Meer, Producer
Lawrence Kaplow, Producer
Lost

Outstanding Single-Camera Sound Mixing For A Series
House (Euphoria, Part 1)
Gerry Lentz, Re-Recording Mixer
Richard Weingart, Re-Recording Mixer
Russell C. Fager, CAS, Production Mixer
Lost

Golden Globe Awards

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Drama
House
Hugh Laurie
Won

Motion Picture Sound Editors

Best Sound Editing in Television: Short Form – Dialogue and Automated Dialogue Replacement
House (Autospy)
Won

NAACP Image Awards

Outstanding Drama Series
House
Lost

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
House
Omar Epps as Dr. Eric Foreman
Lost

Satellite Awards

Television Series, Drama
House
Won

Actor in a Series, Drama
House
Hugh Laurie
Won

Screen Actors Guild Awards

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
House
Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
Lost

Teen Choice Awards

Choice TV Show - Drama/Action Adventure
House
Lost

Choice TV Actor - Drama/Action Adventure
House
Hugh Laurie
Lost

Television Critics Association Awards

Outstanding Achievement in Drama
House
Lost

Individual Achievement in Drama
House
Hugh Laurie
Won

The Humanitas Award

60 Minute
House
David Shore (Three Stories)
Won

Writers Guild Awards

Outstanding Achievement in Writing for a Episodic Drama
House (Autospy)
Lawrence Kaplow
Won

Young Artist Awards

Best Performance in a Television Series (Comedy or Drama) - Guest Starring Young Actress
House
Jennifer Stone
Lost

AFI Awards

TV Program of the Year
House
Won

BMI Film and TV Awards

BMI TV Music Award
House
Robert del Naja
Grant Marshall
Mushroom Vowles
Won

Casting Society of America

Artios Award: Best Dramatic Pilot Casting
House
Amy Lippens
Coreen Mayrs, Location Casting
Heike Brandstatter, Location Casting
Lost

Emmy Awards

Outstanding Casting For A Drama Series
House
Casting by Amy Lippens, C.S.A.
Lost

Outstanding Main Title Design
House
Matt Mulder, Title Designer
Jake Sargeant, Title Designer
Dan Brown, Title Designer
Dave Molloy, Title Designer
Lost

Outstanding Music Composition For A Series (Dramatic Underscore)
House (Pilot)
Christopher Hoag, Composer
Lost

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
House
Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
Lost

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series
House
David Shore, Writer
Won

Motion Picture Sound Editors

Best Sound Editing in Television: Short Form – Sound Effects and Foley
House (Paternity)
Lost

NAACP Image Awards

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
House
Omar Epps as Dr. Eric Foreman
Lost

Peabody Awards

House
Won

Satellite Awards

Outstanding Actor in a Series, Drama
House
Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
Won

Outstanding Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
House
Lisa Edelstein as Dr. Lisa Cuddy
Won

Outstanding Television Series, Drama
House
Won

Outstanding DVD Release of a Television Show
House, Season One
Lost

Teen Choice Awards

Choice TV Show: Drama
House
Lost

Choice TV Breakout Show
House
Lost

Choice TV Breakout Performance: Male
House
Jesse Spencer as Dr. Robert Chase
Lost

Television Critics Association Awards

Outstanding Achievement in Drama
House
Lost

Outstanding New Program of the Year
House
Lost

Individual Achievement in Drama
House
Hugh Laurie
Won

The Humanitas Award

60 Minute
House (Pilot)
David Shore
Lost

60 Minute
House (Damned if You Do)
Sara B. Cooper
Lost

Originally aired January 9, 2007.

Wilson: I got you something.
(Wilson gives House a red tie to wear in court).
House: Nice.
Wilson: I figured it might help make a good impression on the judge.
House: It's not that nice- I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me, protect me - that's what friends do.
Wilson: Is this... an apology?
House: Part of the program. If you don't like it, I can stop.
Wilson: Not at all, it’s just so... unfamiliar. Please, keep going.

Cuddy: I'm surprised to see you're not spooning your way through the walls.
House: So, what do you say? How about a conjugal visit to celebrate?

House: (Speaking to Tritter). I'm sorry. You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between arrogant and unhinged and I'm sure you'd hit one that describes me. There's a reason I operate that way. I live in pain. Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones will suck the life-force right out of you. Doesn't mean that I've handled this right, actually, I was wrong.
Tritter: Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy for you to say. Even if you don't mean a word of it.
House: I'm sorry! You can hook me up to a damn polygraph.
Tritter: And I'm sure you'd pass. The thing is I've never been interested in what you have to say - all I care about is what you do. I'll see you at the hearing.

House: If you called to see the design for my prison tats, they're still in R&D.

Howard: You're going to go talk to [Tritter].
House: I was just going to ask him where he gets his hair cut.

House: I told you never to call me when I'm on trial.

Wilson: You've been here for two days! Talk about wallowing in it. We all get it, we know how much pain you have. You're here to deal with that and get on with your life.
House: Right! I should have an affair with a dying patient and move into a hotel.
Wilson: You're a coward, House. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
House: Thanks, I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now.

(After House's case has been dismissed, he still must spend a night in jail. Wilson visits him, holding his medication - the medication that helps him in his efforts to rehab).
Wilson: Your buprenorphine.
House: You get these from the pharmacy or from Voldemort?
Wilson: Voldemort. Why? What difference does it... that's Vicodin, he's been slipping you Vicodin?
House: No, he'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
Wilson: The whole time?
House: My higher power said it was OK.
Wilson: Nothing's changed?
House: Nothing's changed.
Wilson: The apology, you didn't need to do that to make this work.
House: Believe what you want.

House: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Judge: I hope you don't mind that we continued on without you.
House: I said I was sorry. No need to be sarcastic.

Cameron: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
House: Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
(Cameron gives him a hug).
House: Excuse me, I have to go to jail now.

(Cuddy and Wilson visit House in rehab).
Cuddy: Did Tritter offer you another deal?
House: Nope, this is all me. So, no slaps on the back? Encouraging words?
Wilson: We are just trying to understand what this is.
House: I hope this is me detoxing, otherwise I soiled a perfectly good pair of underwear last night for nothing.
Cuddy: So, this is for real, this is not just a show for Tritter?
House: Absolutely it's a show for Tritter and the Judge. Unfortunately, unless it's real, there is no show. Hey, if it doesn't help my case, at least I'll go to prison with heightened senses - all the better to enjoy my strolls around the yard.
Rehab Nurse: Times up, group's starting.
(Rehab Nurse sees that Wilson has some things for House).
Rehab Nurse: Going to need to check that stuff.
House: When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go.

House: Does your voice always get that high and annoying when you're angry?
Judge: Do you want to go to jail?
House: No, thank you.

(Tritter walks into House's art therapy class).
House: You crash art therapy classes just for the adrenaline rush?
Tritter: Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect.
House: Well, don't tell anyone, but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.

Originally aired December 12, 2006.

Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing.
Wilson: House - you've tanned.
Foreman: You don't think I could've come up with this?
Cuddy: Did you?

House: (Speaking to Wilson). Look, there's Jesus! Go tell the Romans.

Foreman: You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you have to deal with Wilson.
House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.

Cameron: What are you going to do?
House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them and embrace my own. The usual.

House: You're gonna come begging me to save this girl long before I come begging you for pills.

Foreman: I get why you don't want to go to rehab. But, only an idiot goes to prison for being stubborn.
House: Only an idiot stands between Ahab and his whale. Move.

House: Can we forget my vices, get back to my virtues?

House: I just need to borrow her for a tiny moment. Small favor.

Wilson: Why aren't you detoxing?
House: (Pops a pill). Willpower.
Wilson: Wh-what?
House: Normal's not normal, if you're not normal.
Wilson: Did you just take a pill?
House: No.

Tritter: Merry Christmas,
House: And a happy go to hell!

Cameron: Was it an easy choice? (To talk to Tritter about House).
Wilson: Of course not. But, it's right.
Cameron: Then, why wasn't it easy?
Wilson: Because he's my friend. It's obviously complicated.
Cameron: It's complicated? When you decided to talk to Tritter, your life got a million times better. How do you seperate that out? How do you pretend your windfall isn't relevant to this decision?
Wilson: It was the right thing to do.
Cameron: You pretending your motives are pure is why I have a problem.

House: We both know that my pride far surpasses my instinct for self preservation. You want to redeem yourself, give up now.
Wilson: And you'll go to jail.
House: I've done nothing wrong.
Wilson: And you'll go to jail.

Maddy: My daughter and I both have cartilage hair hypoplasia. Think you can make a pun out of that?
House: Yes, but I don't want to be insensitive. She's got a bit of a short fuse, doesn't she?

House: Cuddy thinks it's idiopathic. Cuddy and idiop being the relevant parts of that sentence.
Chase: Well, I'd say TB, but Cuddy's already ruled it out.
House: And you'd be just as big an idiop as her.

Wilson: (Speaking to Tritter). I can't testify. Drug addicts hurt the people around them with their habit.
Tritter: House has hurt plenty of people, you included.
Wilson: He saves lives, people that no one else can save and no matter how much of an a** he is, statistically House is a positive force in the universe. Pills let him do that.
Tritter: Vicodin does not make House a genius, whatever he does on the pills he can do off. He is just not willing to try.
Wilson: I won't testify against him.
Tritter: Then we'll subpoena you, your previous statement will be read into evidence and you'll be charged with interfering with an investigation and you will go to jail.
Wilson: Again, statistically better me than him.
Tritter: Statistically - the two of you will be in jail.

Maddy: Are you high?
House: Higher than you.

House: I’m certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Cameron: House!
Maddy: Pretty much - he'd lay flat and spin me.
Abigail: Mom!

Maddy: Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. It still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot.
(House smiles).
Maddy: What?
House: Care to go for a spin?

Wilson: House! Just give me a minute. You're afraid of the pain.
House: (Aiming to hit Wilson with his cane). You're not?

Wilson: I told him (Tritter) I didn't write those prescriptions.
Tritter: I spoke with the DA. He agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea.
House: Get out of my office.
Wilson: No jail time.
House: Right, so I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong.
Tritter: I got you on forgery, fraud and on drugs-
Wilson: No sanctions to the medical board.
House: Uh huh and you get your car back and your bank accounts and your precious tumour ridden patients.
Wilson: I did this to help you.
House: Next Christmas, buy me a sweater.
Wilson: You punched out an employee - you nearly cut a little girl in half because you were too strung out-
House: I was in pain! You need to believe that I've got a problem so that your betrayal has the illusion of nobility, but you just selfishly-
Tritter: Knock it off. Look, I don't care why Dr. Wilson is doing this and right now it makes no difference to you either. You need to deal with the reality of your current situation. You want to stand on principle, you end up in a cell and you end up never practicing medicine again. So, you got two choices - your principles or your life.
House: Get out of my office.

Originally aired November 28, 2006.

Chase: His theory correctly predicted pancreatitis.
Foreman: You might want to wait until he actually tells us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.

Foreman: Doing nothing is not a plan - it's specifically a lack of a plan!

House: Chase, hang the bag! You can grow a backbone tomorrow.

House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
House: They killed his spirit. And nobody likes a showoff.

Edie: You're the doctor, I'm the mother. I outrank you. Live with it.

Cuddy: You think Dr. Wilson deserved to have his assets seized? His entire practice ruined?
Tritter: No.
Cuddy: So, you just don't care?
Tritter: This is how I get what I want. I put pressure on people. And if it doesn't work on Wilson, it will work on you.

House: This is my office, I'm talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me.

Foreman: (Speaking to Tritter). I really hope no one dies while I'm sitting here not talking to you.

Chase: Can we talk?
House: Nope.
Chase: I really think-
House: Either you screwed me and you want absolution or you didn't and you want applause. Either way - I'm not interested.

Judge: Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now?
House: Am I under oath?
Judge: Let's say yes.
House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
House: Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?
House: She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Cuddy: Bigger. But, he knows what he's talking about.

Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?
House: It's never lupus.

(Cuddy is in a shower with the patient, trying to lower her temperature. House enters).
Cuddy: Look at her arm.
House: I told you it was an infection.
Cuddy: We fixed the infection.
House: Well, apparently not. I asked you for broad spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum. It's a good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!

House: But, I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash
House: Tritter took it.
Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret stash.
House: I ran out.
Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!

House: I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do.
Edie: You're Dr. House.
House: You've seen my stage show.

Cuddy: People think House has no inner censor. The fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt - he knows just where to poke a sharp stick.

Cuddy: (After House has been pointing a laser pointer at her from another room). I'm sitting in there hoping it's a sniper because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee.

House: Right! She's six! She's cute! She can't have flesh eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies!

(In first appearance in court regarding patient).
House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
House: They killed his spirit. And nobody likes a showoff. Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a dad who's willing to see reason.

(In second appearance in court regarding patient).
House: Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.

Judge: Arguing over every decision is a waste of her time and mine. Since her parents can't or won't agree, I'm awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor who will place the health of the child above all else.
Cuddy: I don't think Dr. House is capable-
Judge: Dr. Cuddy.
Cuddy: Yes, Your Honor?
Judge: No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours.

Chase: I wasn't kissing his a**.
Foreman: It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over.

Tritter: You testify - I can make sure that Marcus (Foreman's brother, currently in jail) goes free on parole in less than two months.
Foreman: My brother and I, we grew up in the same home. But, I made something of myself. He didn't.
Tritter: Dr. Foreman, the way you talk, you think you never committed any crimes yourself. Now, you and Dr. House, you are both cold bastards. You don't give a damn about your brother and you can't stand House. But, I do expect you to take this deal, because you hate hypocrisy more. House has had a thousand chances. You had two chances. Why is your brother stuck at one?

Originally aired November 21, 2006.

Wilson: I need one of you.
House: Take Cameron. (Speaking to Cameron). Your idea was dumb, anyway.

House: (Speaking to Foreman). Or we could just make small talk. You still seeing that nurse in Peds? I just don't think she's right for you. You need someone detached, calculating, ambitious. You need yourself in a skirt.

Cuddy: Your coming to me means your lackeys actually stood up to you. I'm impressed.
House: Yes, their cowardice is inspiring.
Cuddy: Well, you should be thanking them. If they caved it would give the cops evidence that you intimidated underlings to feed your addiction.
House: I hate writing thank you notes. Would it be weird if I asked Cameron to write them?

Cameron: Nice cane.
House: If I know what you mean. (Winks).

Wilson: What are we, like, role playing?
Lawyer: Yeah and you suck at it. Which is really unfortunate, because you're pretending to be you.

House: (Speaking to Foreman). Can you score me some Vicodin?
Foreman:: No.

House: (Speaking to Cuddy). OK, fine! I'll father your child. First, you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription - just so I can get through the foreplay.

Wilson: Tritter towed my car. He's frozen my assets. He's on a crusade.
Lawyer: You're a person of interest in a narcotics investigation. You're linked to their suspect and his activities.
Wilson: I'm not Pablo Estcobar's evil henchman cruising into Miami in a cigarette boat. I'm a physician who prescribed Vicodin to a pain patient.

Cameron: You know you have a problem.
House: Yeah. It's got a badge and everything.

Cuddy: You're just getting here?
Wilson: Buses suck.
Cuddy: Where's your car?
Wilson: It's a hostage! Tritter wants me to testify against House.

Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
House: You can't pee standing up.

Cameron: Are you OK?
House: I hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football.

House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't and life sucks. I like him.

House: The other one's probably having sex.
Kama: I am not.
House: Yet, but when you start, you're going to lie about it.

House: You're hooking me up?
Cuddy: Unfortunately, if I cut you off, it would give the cops evidence that you don't really need to pain medication.
House: I knew that cleavage was a smoke screen. You're a genius.

Kama: Is he gonna die?
Foreman: No. No one's gonna die.
Kama: In the whole world ever? That's so great.

Chase: (While looking through a patient's medical history). House was on this page when he got that annoying "I'm such a genius" look.

House: How are you going to learn to swim, unless I take off your floaties and throw you into sharkinfested waters?
Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30 second perusal of his file.
House: Apparently you can’t.

Nurse: Ever thought about using your cane on the proper side?
House: Yeah, that's the issue. Friday night, my cane suddenly noticed it was on the wrong side.

Originally aired on November 14, 2006.

Wilson: What are you doing down here? I thought you usually had lunch with Coma Guy?
House: This is Vegetative State Guy. He’s better company.

House: We use recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them.

House: Where else did you live? List everywhere including vacation, start with when your wife got pregnant.
Gabe: We lived in Jersey. Then we moved to Jersey. From there, Jersey. What are you wanting to hear, about the little cottage in the Amazon with the mosquitoes and the lead paint on the wall?
House: Yes.

Tritter: If you had my job you'd know: everybody lies.

Cameron: He stole Wilson's prescription pad and forged his name.
Foreman: Do you believe it?
Cameron: Do you?
Foreman: Well, absolutely I do. I'm just checking how naive you are.

House: When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell, got injured and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, passed this guy in the hall. It was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection and the doctors didn't know what to do. So, they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor and a Buraku, one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. This guy, he knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well, he didn't pretend to be one of them. The people that ran that place, they didn't think that he had anything they wanted. Except when they needed him. Because he was right. Which meant that nothing else mattered. They had to listen to him.

House: Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.

House: What happened on the night of the fire? Yeah, I'm sure it's a stressful, emotional question. Suck it up.

Chase: Genetic tests take forever. You can’t just keep testing for every inherited condition you think it might be.
House: Well, not me, I’ll be leaving early. You guys can.

Wilson: You stole my prescription pad and you forged my name.
House: What did you tell the cops?
Wilson: I lied. They'd have put you away for ten years. After they took your license to practice medicine.
House: So, everything's good then.
Wilson: I lied to the cops!
House: There is no case unless they can prove that either I got the drugs illegally or I sold them illegally. I didn't do the second. You lied about the first. Game over. Important thing is you keep prescribing the same amount of drugs to me. Or it'll look suspicious.
Wilson: Here's another way to look at it. Having forced me to lie to the police, your first concern is securing your drug connection!

Wilson: This is like trying to control the weather, but I'd prefer it if you didn’t eat in the car. I just had it detailed.
Gabe: I drive.
Wilson: Oh, the hell he does!

Gabe: I like power. And now the only power I have left is the power to annoy you.

Wilson: Rumor in the cafeteria was Caustic Guy was waking up Coma Guy.
House: Technically, Vegetative State Guy was woken by... yeah, Caustic Guy.

House: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.

Gabe: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
House: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.

Gabe: Hey, what's this? It says "ip pod".

House: You think that my addiction's out of hand? Your need to be needed is so strong that you give people what they want, what they need, what they think they need.
Wilson: I don't think my enabling is anything you should be complaining about.

Wilson: Why steal my pad?
House: Oh my God! You're right, I'm an addict! Thanks for opening my eyes!
Wilson: No, I mean why my pad? Foreman, Cameron and Chase's pads are just as convenient. But their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice and any relationship that involves choice you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
House: This is easy! You ask the questions, answer them and make tasty snacks! (Speaking to Gabe:) Let's go try the casino!
Wilson: And one day our friendship will break and that'll just prove your theory that relationships are conditional and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever is going on in that rat maze of your brain!

House: If I'd known he (Wilson) was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy. (Phone rings and he answers it). House's House of Whining! State your complaint!

House: Wilson, get out. You've lied to the cops enough for me. Maybe I don't want to push this until it breaks.

Cuddy: Put down the syringe.
House: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.

Cuddy: Put the syringe down.
House: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.
Cuddy: We don't experiment on helpless patients.
House: Be reasonable. There's no way this is going to work.

Gabe: What is up with you two?
House: Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big house.
Wilson: Are you out of your mind?
House: Who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night, he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery.

House: How deep does that awareness go? Pick up scraps of conversations? Do you have the vague sense that the hospital administrator dresses like a trollop or that the new "Star Wars" movie was a disappointment?

House: There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen "Awakenings". It made me cry. I wanna cry.

House: Person with the money makes the rules. Or, in this case, person whose friend's the person with the money, makes the rules.

House: You have one day to live and you want a sandwich.
Gabe: People on death row get a last meal.

House: Only six left, by the way (speaking in reference to his remaining supply of Vicodin).
Wilson: So, sign my name. You don't need a doctor, you need a pen.

Originally aired November 7, 2006.

Wilson: Selectively irrational, stubborn, uncooperative, maybe you ought to check his leg.
House: (Laughs). Did you see what he did there? The patient's like me! The patient's three mes!

House: Start treating Jabba for Pickwickian Syndrome. His 96ZZs are probably putting pressure on his chest, suffocating him.
Foreman: His CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.
House: For you and me - what's normal for a hippopotomus?

Cuddy: You blow stuff up, makes my life miserable, makes me need to make your life miserable.

(After being told that the obese patient would like to be discharged).
House: Oh, right, places to go; people to eat.

House: Hey, Gomer Pyle! I know you can hear me!
Tritter: I think you mean Barney Fife.
House: So many great idiot icons to choose from.
Tritter: You need time to think of some more?
House: Either arraign me or let me go.
Tritter: No problem, which do you prefer?

House: So, your arm only hurts after you lay on top of it all night?
Patient: Yes.
House: Have you ever thought about, I don't know, not doing that?

House: You say "no way", I say... (pause) yeah, no way.

Patient: You want to remove my arm?
House: Well, it is your left, but a guy has got to sleep.
Patient: Are you insane?

George: I am not diabetic!
House: Grocery stores giving away medical degrees with the free turkeys now?

Nurse: How much does this guy weigh?
Cameron: 440.
Nurse: Looks like a lot more.
Cameron: That's because he's lying down.

House: This is all because some cop came into the clinic. I was rude to him. This is his way of getting back at me.
Howard: You've made it pretty easy.
House: His insane reaction to a simple rectal thermometer reading probably says a lot more about his mother than it says about me.

House: This conversation is over, because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

House: I'm not a pain doctor, I’m a pain patient.

Wilson: Better get yourself a lawyer.
House: Already got one.
Wilson: You know what they say about the lawyer who has himself as a client?
House: Same thing they say about the doctor who lends 15 grand to a friend he knows can’t pay him back.

Tritter: People who are innocent tend not to try to hide their arrest.
House: Is that based on your years of experience of arresting innocent people?

Foreman: Where are you going?
House: To get a $400 butt plug.
Cameron: What about George?
House: He's going to have to get his own.

Cameron: Where are you going?
House: The butt plug was my way of saying "None of your business." Apparently too subtle.

Cameron: Who's that?
House: Apparently, Cuddy's widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals.
Foreman: Cuddy's looking for a sperm donor?
House: It's a joke. Like Cuddy would ever want a kid. Or a kid would ever want Cuddy. Hello, that's why it’s funny!

Cameron: What'd your lawyer say? I looked up "butt plug" in a legal dictionary.

Originally aired October 31, 2006.

Cuddy: You need to apologize to this guy.
House: I'm a man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me.

House: Shoot him up with one of these puppies instead.
Cameron: No!
House: You do understand, it’s not really a puppy.

Tritter: So you treat everyone around like they're idiots. And you get away with it, because of your cane.
House: Please stop. It's hard to write through the haze of bitter tears.

Chase: Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical. And I'm too scared of getting sued.

Tritter: You don't introduce yourself?
House: Sorry, I thought you were waiting two hours - didn't know you wanted to chat. Hi, I'm Greg. How 'bout that local sports team?

Cuddy: Something goes wrong, he'll sue us for not disclosing the risks.
House: Then have Wilson talk to the husband. Wilson kills people left and right, no one ever sues him.
Cuddy: Fine, but only if you apologize to the clinic guy.
House: Nah. Probably better to just let that couple die.

Tritter: I don't want to sue you.
House: Good.
Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
House: Less good.

House: If he's not hitting that, then why is she here?
Cameron: Because I'm hitting that and it's totally hot.

Wilson: Oh. Oh! You stole Wendy's personnel file?
House: In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor to take her file and give it to me. Yes, I take my share of the blame, but isn’t society...?

(After a traffic stop).
House: Aww, c'mon. This isn't because I was speeding. This is because I'm Latino.

House: Have any of your shorties ever been whiteys?
Foreman: I'm not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
House: I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.

Tritter: Last nurse you made fun of, probably slipped some crap into your coffee.
House: Uh, I asked for decrapinated coffee.

Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? It's not a racial thing, it's cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you (House) only date emotionally stunted bigots.

Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution; other fictional concepts.

House: Infectious or environmental. All we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, toxins, radiation, chemicals or it's internet porn related. I'll check the internet, you cover the rest of the stuff.

House: No empty coffee cups. Off the caffeine. Good for baby.
Cuddy: Cups are in the waste basket; baby is in your mind.

House: Dude, she's in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?

House: There's a reason that we don't let kids vote or drink or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.

Chase: Great, I haven't committed any felonies yet today.
House: Relax, you know they’re going to blame... (looks toward Foreman).

Tritter: You're rude.
House: Wow, you’re like a detective or something.

Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

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