Originally aired on on May 23, 2006.

Cameron: The shooter turns out to be a guy who-
House: Don't care.
Cameron: You don't care why a guy walked into a hospital and shot a doctor? Shot you?
House: I assume his reasoning was faulty.

House: Here's how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both.

Moriarty: You've wasted your life.
House: Yeah. If only I'd dedicated my life to finding someone worthy to shoot.

House: Where are you going?
Foreman: You're an a**.
House: I know. Where are you going?

House: OK, I'll be you guys. (House as Chase): no way, mate, too much blood to be just a vein. (House as Foreman): no way, Hizzy. If it were an artery, he'd still be bleeding. (House as Cameron): actually, he'd be dead.

House: Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise, he's grumpy all day. (House bangs on Moriarty's bed with his cane). Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!

House: You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Moriarty: She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener?

House: Why did you try to kill me?
Moriarty: I didn't.
House: Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.

House: I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital.

Originally aired on on May 16, 2006.

House: (His answering machine). You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, go with it. Hang up on three. One, two... (answering machine beep).
Cuddy: House, pick up. I know it's your day off and you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.

House: So, what is she, Foreman? A light skinned black chick or dark skinned white chick?

Wilson: You didn't run the test?
House: Said I wouldn't.
Wilson: OK, so either you lied or he has pictures of you being nice.

Crandall: And I'm her father.
House: Hm, yeah, she looks just like you. Got the same 'fro.
Crandall: I wrote a book about Baker. Hung out with him. And his daughter.
House: That is how babies are made.

House: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non fiction writer?

Chase: Her heart's fragile after that last attack! The chances of tachycardia are...
House: You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.

Crandall: Heard about your leg.
House: Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.

Crandall: If our friendship means anything to you...
House: Do you know anything about me at all?

Cuddy: You didn't tell anyone else what I'm doing?
House: Not a soul.
Cuddy: Wilson? Cameron? Maybe you mentioned it to her.
House: No, I'm really a good secret keeper. Never told anyone that Wilson wets his bed. Oh, you tricked me.

Originally aired on on May 9, 2006.

House: What, don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, I'm fun at parties...

Kara: I killed my son.
House: Is it my turn to say something obvious now?

House: Idiots are fun – no wonder every village wants one.

Wilson:I'm checking her (Cuddy's) saliva for cancer markers.
House: Yeah, I do that after all my dates.

Foreman: You're addicted to conflict.
House: (Popping a Vicodin pill). Did they change the name?

House: The thing about being a good loser - it means you're still a loser.

House: I take it (coffee) black. Like I take my brain damaged neurologists.

House: Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks. Give me something new and shiny.

House: What if I'm wrong? What if Daddy's the drunk?"
Cameron: You want us to give her the pheno or not?
House: I want him to argue his point.
Foreman: I assumed you considered the father and ruled him out.
House: What's that saying: When you assume you become a pain in the a** to me."

House: (Attempting to get a reaction from Foreman). My other choice was your stupid psych theory. (Waits for reaction). Which was not stupid. I tell you. I'm gonna drop the n-bomb if I have to.
Foreman: "You're addicted to conflict."

House: Bad news: estrogen is too high.
Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman. Estrogen is normal.

Originally aired on May 3, 2006.

House: That was great!
Cameron: It was rude and unnecessary.
House: Yeah!

House: Cameron, what kind of illnesses affect humans but not rats?
Cameron: Why are you asking me that?
House: Because I'm sure that you spent the first twelve years of your life dreaming of becoming a vet.

(House enters Cuddy's office with Foreman's dad).
Cuddy: What is this?
House: It's not a what, it's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Foreman: I'm OK?
House: Your breath stinks and you're peeing into a bag. What are our names?
Foreman: You did the biopsy? Thank you.
House: Names.
Foreman: Cameron, my dad and the manipulative b******.
House: You remembered.

Rodney: My son says you're a manipulative b******.
House: It's a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling."

House: Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is almost as big a motivator.

Wilson: Why weren't you with Foreman?
House: I hang out in the basement, you rag on me. I stay in my office, you rag on me. Honky just can't buy a break.

Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a biosafety level three.
House: Ooooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Cameron: If it was toxic mold, I'd be sick.
House: How do we know you're not sick?
Cameron: Do I seem happy to you?
House: Never.

Cuddy: A thin slice of Joe's brain could also cause a public health crisis.
House: It's not a good idea to scream "fire" every time someone lights a match.

Foreman: (Speaking to Cuddy). And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Because frankly, I'm OK if you get a fine or suspension. Hell, you can spend a couple years in jail if it saves my life!

Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dead.
House: And I make it look oh so sexy. It's not as glamorous as you think.

Cameron: I'm trying to be professional, here. There's no need to be nasty.
Foreman: I'm in pain!
Cameron: So is House.
Foreman: And he's a delight!

House: I screwed up.
Cameron: How can you not capture a blind bird?
House: That's not what I meant. I screwed up the first time through this place.

Cameron: Foreman's black.
House: What? How long have you been sitting on this information?

House: As soon as he (Steve, the rat) gets sick, I do an autopsy.
Wilson: As soon as he's dead.
House: Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head with a cane shaped object.

House: First symptom is euphoria.
Wilson: How do you know if a rat's euphoric?
House: He doesn't usually climb on his water bottle like that, does he?

Originally aired on May 2, 2006.

Cameron: The chance of getting infected is next to nothing
House: I was never good at math but next to nothing is greater than nothing.

House: I've got a disability.
Haines: These are speeding tickets.
House: Lot of emergencies.

House: Foreman, policeman are our friends. If you and I ever get separated shopping...

Joe: (Laughing). You have the right to remain stupid!
Baby Shoes: Watch the gun.
Joe: Anything you have to say will be completely incomprehensible. (Laughing).

Cameron: Reliable witness?
House: His name's "Baby Shoes." How bad can he be?

Foreman: (Talking about his dad). He's not proud of me, he's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work, everything I do wrong is my own damn fault.

Foreman: Police issue Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plate insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So, the bullet shattered on its own, meaning Baby Shoes was using .38 caliber hollow points which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic.
(Everyone stares at Foreman).
House: It's just so cool that you know that.

Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biopsy?
House: Come on – who doesn't?

Cuddy: (Speaking to House). I can't even imagine the backward logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
House: Well, if I shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.

House: He did, however get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.
Cameron: He was shot?
House: No – somebody threw it at him.

(House shoots a dead body with a gun).
Man: (Peaking inside the room where House is). Did anyone just hear a ...?
House: He's dead! I shot him!

House: Hey, I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name?
Foreman: Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

Foreman: Drugs?
Chase: He's a cop.
Foreman: Good point. How about... drugs?

Chase: What are you looking for?
House: I called my mom, she didn't pick up.

Originally aired on April 25, 2006.

Wilson: Can this wait five minutes?
House: Is she dying?
Wilson: Yes.
House: Before the end of this consult?
Wilson: They could build monuments to your self centeredness.

Chase: You're going to talk to a patient?
House: God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume I'm better than God.

House: Isn't it interesting that religious behavior is so close to being crazy, we can't tell it apart.

House: No. You talk to God - you're religious. God talks to you - you're psychotic.

House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing.
Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.
Wilson: Ah and there the similarities end.

Chase: (Speaking to House). The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.

Wilson: And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules - you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If a supreme being exists, he can squash you any time he wants.
House: He knows where I am.

Wilson: Excuse me, I have a friend with... boundary issues.

House: So, you're a faith healer? Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like "divine health management?"

House: Got to go – building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I can avoid them.

House: Tie goes to the mortal.

House: God ever talk to you at the seminary?
Chase: Um, no.
House: God's loss, our gain.

House: Wilson! This is dry cleaner guy. Tax accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?
House: Seniority.