Originally aired December 13, 2005.

Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
House: Non-existent. Otherwise excellent.

House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.

Foreman: Dr. Wilson, can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Wilson: Of course.
Foreman: It's about House.
Wilson: Oh, then no.

House: Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.
Foreman: I just agreed with you.
House: Not because you think I’m right. You’re just taking the safe route. You’re a wuss. Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me. (After he leaves the office). Wilson! Guess what Foreman did!

House: Chase killed that woman and Foreman's in charge?
Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. We have a flow chart in the lobby.

House: You probably shouldn’t have sex for a while.
Hailey: For how long?
House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.

Chase: I also realize that no matter what you do, you're still going to treat me like crap.
House: Crap is a relative term.

Originally aired November 29, 2005.

Sam: Are you Dr. House?
House: Depends. Are you going to hit [points at Foreman, indicating him to be Dr. House] Dr. House?

Originally aired November 22, 2005.

Cameron: Why do you have a rat?
House: Jealous?

Stacy: (Speaking to House). You're confident, arrogant, but you're never certain unless there's a reason to be certain.

House: [Stacy] can't stop thinking about... I can’t read that – is she obsessed with a gray horse or me?
Wilson: It says she thinks you're an annoying jerk.
House: It's a pet name.

House: Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you take my case.
House: Congress says you can't.

Stacy: You don't treat him, he charges you with assault.
House: Just because he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch. I'm surrounded by naked cheerleaders. See?

Wilson: Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.

Cameron: I have fun.
Chase: She has some scheduled for February.

(Telephone conversation).
Foreman: Bad time? Where are you?
House: At your girlfriend’s place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking.

Originally aired November 15, 2005.

Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

Foreman: So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell. But if you break a rule that has a reason, that's designed to protect people, Cameron develops a crazy crush on you.
Cameron: House doesn't pretend to be some golden boy, he does it to help people, not to glorify himself.

House: (Gives patient an injection). You are healed! Rise and walk.
Patient: Are you insane?
House: In The Bible, you just say "Yes Lord" and then, start right in on the praising.
Patient: First you tell me I've got cancer and then you tell me that my manager... (feeling better) what did you do?
House: No: "What did you, Lord". Thymoma is a tumour in the thymus gland. It's a bit of a wimp, but he hangs with the tough guys. PRCA and an auto immune disease called myasthenia gravis. MG causes muscle fatigue, including respiratory problems and difficulty swallowing.
Patient: It can hit you that fast?
House: Treatment for PRCA is blood transfusions, treatment for MG is hypobaria. You were doing both as part of your regular freak show. When you took a break everything went to hell, which is not an uncommon reaction in Jersey.
Patient: So, the whole thing with my manager?
House: Oops. No, no EPO. This has nothing to do with anything you did. You can let her know she's in the clear.
Patient: Good. Or, 10 percent of a Nike contract is a hell of a lot of cash.
House: You don't need your thymus. Take it out, everything else is manageable.
Patient: Manageable? I thought you just cured me.
House: Ah, this is just diagnostic. Tensilon erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes. (Patient collapses). Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!

House: You know, our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why did we stop doing that? Did you get married?
Stacy: Yes. Otherwise I'd be on you you like red on rice.
House: Look, rice isn't... oh, you!

Stacy: We need to talk.
House: Oh god, are you pregnant? 'Cause I really want to finish high school.

House: How am I supposed to practice medicine with a lawyer sitting on my shoulder?
Cuddy: Responsibly.
House: You know I can't do that!

Chase: You were right.
House: Now there were three wasted words.

Originally aired November 8, 2005.

Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
House: Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.

Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you’d give it to me. I’ve been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Um, a little experiment to see where you’d draw the line.
Wilson: You’re... you’re trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.
House: It’s five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.

Cameron: So, it's okay to lie to House but not to a patient?
Cuddy: Yep.

Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.
House: What do you mean? You just said...?
Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Wilson: Two wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don't really go well with crippled irresponsible drug addicts.

Cameron: What's with the jacket?
House: It keeps me warm and (flicks hair) cool. How does it know?

Foreman: (Talking about Dinner with House's parents). It's dinner. It's sixty minutes, most of which will be spent chewing. Unless they say something like, "Do you prefer the chardonnay or the merlot? And, oh, by the way, we kept Greg locked in the closet for 17 years," you're not going to learn anything interesting.

Originally aired November 1, 2005.

Dr. Sebastian Charles: "Look, I know I have a way about me. I know I piss a lot of people off and a whole lot more I just annoy. But, you're the first person that I've ever met who I think is actually annoyed by what I do. Do you think I'm not saving any lives or is that a bad thing?"
House: "Right now, I'm just trying to save your life."
Dr. Sebastian Charles: "Or do you just have a problem with hope? You know, the difference between our jobs is not numbers or styles. It's that I know I'm gonna fail. Even if I save a million people there's gonna be another million. You couldn't handle that. I think you resent anyone who can."
House: "Can't we just agree that you're incredibly annoying? Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease."
Dr. Sebastian Charles: "Why would you do that?"
House: "Because I'm just a mean son of a bitc*."

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Originally aired September 27, 2005.

Cameron: "So why haven't you fired House? I mean, it's just — you guys are always screaming at each other and I figure you hate him..."
Cuddy: "I don't hate him."
Cameron: "Why not? He's a great doctor, but any other hospital administrator would have fired him years ago."
Cuddy: "Four of them did. The question is why did I hire him?"

Cameron: "You both went to Michigan. Did you know him while you were there?"
Cuddy: "I was still an undergrad, but yeah, I knew him. He was already a legend."
Cameron: "So you just knew him as a legend?"
Cuddy: "My God, you're subtle. Anything else on your mind?"

Foreman: (Talking to House). "You ever think about writing a book on office politics?"

Originally aired September 20, 2005.

Cuddy: "We need FDA approval for any surgical technique used for diagnostic purposes."
House: "Absolutely. If we were doing anything invasive; but there's nothing invasive. You know, I'm not cutting into her head I'm just looking for a clot."
Cuddy: "Not invasive? You're killing her."
House: "Don't split hairs. If it works, she lives."
Cuddy: "Make sure the mom understands that this is a million to one shot."
House: "I'll see that Wilson passes that along."

Wilson: "You have a cane, nobody even likes you."
House: "I'm not terminal, merely pathetic; you wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with."

House: "You stay away from the patient."
Cameron: "What'd I do?"
House: "Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle."

Originally aired September 13, 2005.

House: Nolo? Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, but... especially a useless drunk...
Cuddy: You are addicted to pain pills.
House: But, I'm not useless. Tell Nolo I'm talking over.
Cuddy: Dr. Nolo is a board certified cardiologist.
House: Oh, good. I'm sure he'll explore all the usual options for why a guy's heart starts beating so fast it pumps out air instead of blood. Wait a second. There are no usual options!

House: You know how people can you can't live without love? Well, oxygen's even more important.

House: She's got metastatic squamous cell lung cancer, six months, tops.
Cameron: Have you even looked at the x-ray?
House: No, just guessing. It's a new game. If it's wrong, she gets a stuffed bear.
Cameron: A spot on a x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.
House: I love children. So filled with hope.

House: Now go tell Cindy whatever her-name is that she's dying.

Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.
House: Yeah, well, it's not like they make you sign it or anything.

(Cameron picks up a marker and begins to write on the white board).
House: Don't do that.
Cameron: What, you have some House theory explaining heroin use despite a negative test?
House: Nope. Only I get to write on the board.

(House is sitting in a patient's room. The patient is in a coma. House is watching a hospital drama and eating a sandwich next to the patient. Wilson walks in).
Wilson: The man's in a coma.
House: He didn't mind. I asked.
Wilson: You're getting crumbs all over him.

House: Thought you convicts knew how to drink. You're at least three shots behind. (He pretends like he is going to give the next shot to Clarence, but instead, he drinks it). Now you're four shots behind.
Clarence: You better give me the next one or I'll kill you. (After a pause, they both laugh).
(Cameron walks in as they are laughing and drinking).
Cameron: House – I was just waiting for test results, I was...
House: Little busy right now. Getting my drink on.
Cameron: Unbelievable.

(Cameron is writing Cindy's symptoms on the white board. House is not in the room).
Chase: Have you done a CT?
Cameron: Yeah, I have?
Foreman: Does it have contrast?
(House enters).
House: She's done everything she needs to do except tell her patient that she's dying. I told you, only I get to play with markers.

Clarence: I haven't heard from him since I went inside. Spent 16 years with him, changed his damn diapers. Can you imagine your whole life bein' about the worst thing you ever did?
Foreman: You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance.

Cameron: When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset.

Stacy: You said you cleared with her -
House: Come on. You've known me how long and you still don't know when I'm joshin' ya?

Stacy: Were you trying to get me fired? If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?
House: I just don't want you working here, in my office. But, anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a big hospital.
Stacy: I'm a lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna to be some overlap.
House: God, I hope that was a euphemism.

Chase: I'm against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a murder die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.

Cuddy: Oh, so everybody lies except a convicted murderer.
(House removes the bed sheet, showing a pool of blood).
House: I don't think he's faking this stuff. What do you think, Doctor?

House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash?
(No one volunteers, until...)
Foreman: Fine, I'll do it.
House: Great, Chase it is.

House: Yeah, sorry. Just gotta get him stabilized. Probably keep him on fluids for a few more hours, then off he goes.
Cuddy: Oh yeah? 'Cause I'm figuring that you still think he's sick.
House: Figuring requires deductive reasoning. I'm figuring that you did no figuring. Stacy just ratted me out, right? So much for attorney/client privledge.
Cuddy: I'm the client, you moron. Stacy has a duty to this hospital.

Cameron: Department of Justice statistics show that it's a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kill more white people.

House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
House: No, but "partypants" does.
Cuddy: You stole my password?
House: Hardly counts as stealing - it's a pretty obvious choice.

Chase: How does an inmate on Death Row get his hands on heroin?
Foreman: Are you serious?
House: The man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

Please click the episode to see the quotes for that episode. If we are missing a favorite quote of yours, please contact us.

The number in parentheses the episode number in the overall series and not just this season.

1 (23). Acceptance
Originally aired on September 13, 2005.

2 (24). Autopsy
Originally aired on September 20, 2005.

3 (25). Humpty Dumpty
Originally aired on September 27, 2005.

4 (26). TB or Not TB
Originally aired on November 1, 2005.

5 (27). Daddy's Boy
Originally aired on November 8, 2005.

6 (28). Spin
Originally aired on November 15, 2005.

7 (29). Hunting
Originally aired on November 22, 2005.

8 (30). The Mistake
Originally aired on November 29, 2005.

9 (31). Deception
Originally aired on December 13, 2005.

10 (32). Failure to Communicate
Originally aired on January 10, 2006.

11 (33). Need to Know
Originally aired on February 7, 2006.

12 (34). Distractions
Originally aired on February 14, 2006.

13 (35). Skin Deep
Originally aired on February 20, 2006.

14 (36). Sex Kills
Originally aired on March 7, 2006.

15 (37). Clueless
Originally aired on March 28, 2006.

16 (38). Safe
Originally aired on April 4, 2006.

17 (39). All In
Originally aired on April 11, 2006.

18 (40). Sleeping Dogs Lie
Originally aired on April 18, 2006.

19 (41). House vs. God
Originally aired on April 25, 2006.

20 (42). Euphoria, Part 1
Originally aired on May 2, 2006.

21 (43). Euphoria, Part 2
Originally aired on May 3, 2006.

22 (44). Forever
Originally aired on May 9, 2006.

23 (45). Who's Your Daddy?
Originally aired on May 16, 2006.

24 (46). No Reason
Originally aired on May 23, 2006.

If we are missing a favorite quote of yours, please contact us.

The number in parentheses the episode number in the overall series and not just this season.

1 (1). Pilot
Originally aired on November 16, 2004.

2 (2). Paternity
Originally aired on November 23, 2004.

3 (3). Occam's Razor
Originally aired on November 30, 2004.

4 (4). Maternity
Originally aired on December 7, 2004.

5 (5). Damned If You Do
Originally aired on December 14, 2004.

6 (6). The Socratic Method
Originally aired on December 21, 2004.

7 (7). Fidelity
Originally aired on December 28, 2004.

8 (8). Poison
Originally aired on January 25, 2005.

9 (9). DNR
Originally aired on February 1, 2005.

10 (10). Histories
Originally aired on February 8, 2005.

11 (11). Detox
Originally aired on February 15, 2005.

12 (12). Sports Medicine
Originally aired on February 22, 2005.

13 (13). Cursed
Originally aired on March 1, 2005.

14 (14). Control
Originally aired on March 15, 2005.

15 (15). Mob Rules
Originally aired on March 22, 2005.

16 (16). Heavy
Originally aired on March 29, 2005.

17 (17). Role Model
Originally aired on April 12, 2005.

18 (18). Babies & Bathwater
Originally aired on April 19, 2005.

19 (19). Kids
Originally aired on May 3, 2005.

20 (20). Love Hurts
Originally aired on May 10, 2005.

21 (21). Three Stories
Originally aired on May 17, 2005.

22 (22). The Honeymoon
Originally aired on May 24, 2005.